In the Middle

I wrote this a year and a half ago. I wrote it right after we moved to Tampa. I wanted to write it in the midst of stepping out in faith, so I could look back and see God’s faithfulness. 

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I want to write this in the midst of my struggle. I know there will be another side—a victory story made possible by obedience. I know promises will be fulfilled—breakthrough becoming a reality and a testimony of God’s faithfulness. 

But, right now I’m walking on water. That first step I was so confident. I knew I saw Jesus, heard Him calling me out of the boat. That first step was firm. The water was solid. I didn’t even realize I was walking on the impossible, because of the joy of stepping out. 

Now, I feel the movement under my feet. I realize both of my feet are out of the boat. My fingers grip the side of the boat, but waves are pushing it away. I have nothing to hold on to. Cold, wet motion sweeps underneath and between my toes. Wind, waves—surge and push, making it hard to stand.

And, I’m still staring, looking at Jesus. I’m staring hard, expecting Him to make it easy—expecting Him to move towards me. Expecting Him to calm the storm. But, He’s just staring back—waiting. Waiting on me to reach out. Waiting on me to keep moving. Waiting on me to fully trust Him. 

I’m only a few steps away, but inches of water feels like the entire ocean. I was so confident, so sure. Now, I’m fighting. Fighting to keep my eyes locked with His. Fighting to remember His words. Fighting to remember His faithfulness. Fighting to move closer. 

This fight is inside me. I feel the water, but it’s still holding me. It’s not the surrounding waves or storm—the external or unknown factors. It’s Him. This man—Jesus. The internal fight is really with Him. 

Will He…

Really Come through.

Really Provide.

Really Protect.

Really Fulfill. 

Really Be there. 

Will He…

Really do what He said He would do? Will He be who He says He is? 

And, while I don’t doubt, I do. I know I do, because I feel fear. I won’t deny it or pretend it’s not there. It is there. Part of me is scared, worried, anxious…I’m not strong, full of faith, resting…I’m weak. 

And, herein is where the beauty lies. Even as I write this, my perspective changes. This is where He’s strong, faithful, and good. He’s not turned off by my fear. He’s impressed by my mustard seed faith. He is so proud and overjoyed with my obedience. 

This is where I find Him, experience, and understand Him. This is where He becomes everything He already was. Out of the boat, standing on the water, waiting on the fulfillment of promises…this is where He becomes real. 

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If you’ve stepped out of the boat and you’re standing on water…If you’re asking hard questions and fighting fear…Know He is faithful. He has a plan. He will see you to the other side.